LoSt in Tis WorLd

Got up on the wrong side of life today yeah
Crashed the car and I’m gonna be really late
My phone doesn’t work cause it’s out of range
Looks like it’s just one of those kind of days

You can’t kick me down I’m already on the ground
No you can’t cause you couldn’t catch me anyhow
Blue skies but the sun isn’t coming out no
Today it’s like I’m under a heavy cloud

And I feel so alive
I can’t help myself, don’t you realize

I just wanna scream and lose control
Throw my hands up and let it go
Forget about everything and runaway, yeah

I just want to fall and lose myself
Laughing so hard it hurts like hell
Forget about everything and runaway, yeah

So so is how I’m doing if you’re wondering
I’m in a fight with the world but I’m winning
Stay there come closer it’s at your own risk
Yeah you know how it is life can be a bitch

But I feel so alive
I can’t help myself, don’t you realize

*chorus*

Runaway, runaway…
Runaway, runaway…
Runaway, runaway…
Runaway, run, run away…
Runaway, runaway…
Runaway, run, run away…

*chorus*

~Runaway by Avril Lavigne ~

I’m staring…

I’m reading…

I don’t believe it.

And now I’m sobbing…

I can’t stop.

The pain.

I’ts too much…

Unbearable.

Please…someone.

Make it stop.

I know too much now.

Help me please…

Someone.

Anyone…

It’s really hard to werk now a days. All because of no appreciation n respect being given to us. I’m not asking for a bouquet of flowers, chocolates n candies..just a simple thank u n a smile. We haf been werking the whole day, pushing ourselves day n night to serve u better. I believe our hardwerk deserve some acknowledgement please.

Really hard to please others. Just beacause they haf the $$ n we are in the serving line, doesnt mean that they can treat us like a servant. The funny thing is, mostly, the patients r very appreciative. It’s the relatives. No matter wat u do, they’ll haf negative feedbacks for u. The pillows r too hard, the coffee is not hot enough for my mom, the corridor is too noisy…urgh. Just stop it please!! Give us a break. I got a patient who needs blood urgently then ure hard pillow. A patient who’s going for an emergency operation is more important than ure already warm coffee. So dun tell me that i dun knoe how to do my job. We’re not handling ure family member ALONE. We haf the whole ward of patients to attend to. This is a hospital for goodness sake. Everyone needs medical attention, not just ure family member alone.

What’s even more depressing, the doctors dun seem to haf any problem wif criticisms n negative feedbacks. It’s weird, they will shout n scold us for getting the doctor too slow, eventhough we haf already called them for like 3-4 times. They will bang their fist on the counter when we say that the doctor is busy wif an emergency case n will attend to them as soon as they are available. But when the doctor arrive, it’s all smiles n countless no. of  ‘thank you’s to the doctor for attending their family member. Us??  They’d just walk past us without even turning their head around. WOW!! Now do u knoe how we feel??

Yes, nursing is really a challenge. It is a challenge becoz of those who treated us this way. It is a challenge because no one really understand the hardwerk we went through for the benefit of others. And it is a challenge because many a times, we are torn between what we truly feel inside n what we haf to potray. But one thing for sure, seeing our patients getting better n being able to walk out of the hospital upon discharge…it’s priceless. Even if they’re not as appreciative as we expect them to be, the self fulfillment we had, it’s extraordinary.

To my fellow colleges, please remember that u guys are the silent saviour of this nation. And without u risking ureselves n ure family to the hospital bugs, a mother would haf lost her child, or a diabetic man would haf gotten his right leg amputated, or old woman would haf died of an heart attack for an uncontrolled hypertension. Thank you for choosing this line, n thank you for still fighting in this battle. Ure effort is very much appreciated.

Been sleeping 12 continuous hours today. My mom said she couldnt wake me up even. I’m like really “dead”. When i woke up, the first ting i did was looked out the window. Total darkness. Took me awhile to figure out if it’s night or dawn. Gave up, n asked my mom instead. She gave me the “are u crazy” look n tell me to go back to sleep. Ok, so it’s still night. 12.30 mn. I got up, washed my face n switched the com on.

Cant believe having a second job could be this tiring. After my 3 nights i did another 2 more nights (12 hr shifts) at changi airport. Yeah, it’s insane. Forcing my body to do 5 nights wif only 4 hrs of proper sleep. Urrghh..guess thats y i couldnt wake up today. So y am i doing this?? It’s all about the $$$. $20 an hr, who would pass out on that!! And just by doing 2 nights, i’ve already earned $480. And btw, i haf a lot more ”free time” rite now after the break-up. So might as well make myself busy. Supposed to do another night again tonight, but it’s already filled up. i guess it’s also a sign, telling me it’s time for a rest…

And since i’ve been doing night shift, i realize that i’ve not seen my dad for like 5 days. So when he sees me today, he didnt even recognize me. Maybe coz i look terrible…or maybe he even forgt that he had a daughter. HAha…

*sigh*

PS: Still having dreams n “nightmares”. Still letting out tears…..Just wonder how long more will it take.

I’m just so blessed to haf great frens around me. Who will be there when i need them, n try all their best to help me up again. Teaches me a great lesson wif wat im gng through. Not wat u planned, will turn out rite. The one u cherish the most, trusted the most, n depended the most, could be the biggest traitor in ure life. That person could just flip ure life around wif a simple doing, n walk away smiling. While u are left on the floor, bleeding slowly….tormented by the excrutiating beat of ure heart…gasping for a  tiny sympathy u can grasp on frm him. It’s hard. Really hard. U just feel like giving up. Quitting. Coz u feel like u will never breathe again. Choked by ure own blood.

*sigh*

Too many things were associated with. So basically now, wherever i turn to, i’m surrounded with bitter sweet memories. Each time such feeling arises, a tear will be shed. A tear of desire n hope, of sympathy and acceptance. And wif that each tear, i counted, to remind myself the number of times he slashes me. So that i will never turn back, and continue to march forward with my head held high.

To all my dear frens, thank u for the concerns  n support. Now i knoe, i’m loved by others. A sincere love. I may not be able to repay all ure deeds, but i pledge u my friendship. A sworn tie that will never be broken. Without u guys, i will not be standing right now. Without u, i will not haf realized that i’m grieving over something that should haf ended long ago. And without u, i would haf forgotten how to laugh…smile….n laugh.

*sigh*

Thank u my frens.

PS: u knoe who u are…